


Even If It Kills Me

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Series: Maybe You Could Love Me Too [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 10:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12746391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: Travis didn't expect that Nolan would reject Ivan, but now that he did, Travis is left to pick up the pieces, even if doing so eats away at him.





	Even If It Kills Me

Travis was in the middle of his fifth, sixth beer of the night when his phone rang. He looked down and saw it was Ivan calling and for a moment he considered not picking up because for one evening he really didn’t want to be the best friend who forced being happy for him. He sighed and answered, “Hey.”

“Hi, do you know, uh, what did you say your name was again? Right, do you know an Evan- Ivan?” A voice that was very much not Ivan’s asked.   
“Yeah, who are you?” Travis asked now paying more attention to the conversation than before.

“I’m Mike, the bartender over at Charlie’s, you know the bar, your friend here could probably use a ride home.”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Travis said as he wrote down the address that Mike gave him. He knew he wasn’t sober enough, so he called an Uber and headed to the bar. He requested that the Uber stay there while he got Ivan. Yes, he knew that the meter would keep running. Yes, he’d still pay it. 

He looked around the bar until he found Ivan hunched over the bar with a cup of what looked like bourbon on ice half drank in front of him. He didn’t know how Ivan had gotten the alcohol anyways since he was easily recognized and underage, but he looked older. It was an open secret in the NHL that everybody drank underage, but it would be bad if Ivan ended up on Deadspin with an accompanying article about “A Flyer Gone Wild”. 

“He didn’t have enough money on him to pay the tab,” Mike said.

“Uh, sure, sorry, you can charge it all to my credit card,” Travis said as he fished out the card from his back pocket. Mike handed the receipt to Travis, whose eyes widened when he saw the total. “Shit, how long has he been here?”

“At least since seven,” Mike said.

“Shit, okay, thanks. And thanks for calling me,” Travis said. He held out a $50 bill to Mike hoping that the bartender would view it as a sign of gratitude instead of being patronizing. “I appreciate you using discretion.” Mike just nodded and pocketed the money. 

Ivan’s eyes were barely open and his head lolled dangerously towards the table. Travis grabbed Ivan around the waist and hauled him out of his seat, half dragging him towards the waiting Uber. 

“You’re here!” Ivan said.

“Yup,” Travis said.

“Not your car,” Ivan noted when he saw the Uber. 

Travis almost shoved Ivan in the backseat and requested the driver take him back to his apartment. 

Ivan’s head was resting against the window and Travis just hoped that they wouldn’t hit any potholes because that would definitely hurt. He knew the stereotype that Russians could hold their liquor, but he’d never seen Ivan drink this much and even though Travis had been drinking earlier in the night, compared to Ivan, he seemed sober. 

Travis kept an eye on Ivan to make sure that he wouldn’t throw up in the Uber and that he was still conscious. 

“You told me,” Ivan said in the elevator, “You told me to tell him.”

“I know,” Travis said sadly. Travis propped Ivan up against the wall as he fiddled to open the door.

“So what… now do I get sex… rejection sex?” Ivan slurred.

“Not tonight,” Travis said.

“Of course not,” Ivan shrugged as though the rejection could only be expected.

“We are both way too fucking drunk for that,” Travis said. 

He poured two large glasses of water and forced Ivan to drink one of them while he drank the other. 

“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Travis said.

“He doesn’t love me,” Ivan said.

“I’m so sorry,” Travis said and even though he should have been happy since Nolan was out of the way, he wasn’t. Ivan was suffering.

He gently helped Ivan strip out of his shirt and pants and tucked him under the covers. He knew that he could probably crawl into bed next to him and it would be fine, after all they’d done much more together than just sleeping side by side. Still, tonight it seemed inappropriate for him to sleep next to Ivan so he headed to the couch.

 

Travis woke up with a terrible headache the next morning when his phone’s alarm went off. Ivan was still asleep when Travis went to check on him. He couldn’t wait for the ibuprofen to kick in and start relieving his headache. He ate breakfast and got dressed for practice before checking on Ivan one more time. “Hey,” Travis said. He gently brushed Ivan’s hair off of his face.

Ivan gently blinked away and Travis’s heart sank when Ivan turned his face towards him. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot and his normally bright eyes were dim. 

“You’re not going to practice today,” Travis said, “I’ll just tell them that you aren’t feeling well.”  
“I should go to practice,” Ivan said.

“Tomorrow, okay. Just rest up today.”  
Travis sighed and left Ivan in his apartment. The thing that scared him the most was that he’d never seen Ivan like that. Ivan wasn’t just disappointed, he was heartbroken and Travis felt his own heart break for Ivan. He knew the way that Nolan looked at Ivan. He’d seen that, and yet Nolan had rejected Ivan and Travis just didn’t get it. The worst part was that he’d told Ghost at least one of them could have a happy ending, but he didn’t get his, Ivan didn’t get his, and if Nolan was happy it certainly wasn’t with Ivan.

Travis saw Nolan looking at him when he arrived for practice. “Where’s Ivan?” Claude asked when they all spilled out on the ice for practice and Ivan was nowhere in sight.

“Some 24 hour thing, I think,” Travis said, “he was throwing up and just sleeping a lot.” It was true, even though it was because of alcohol instead of a virus. Most of the veterans and Nolan knew that Travis was lying to cover for Ivan, but since Ivan came to practice religiously they could all overlook one mistake.

Nolan looked guilty the entire practice shooting glances over at Travis as though he knew the real reason that Ivan wasn’t at practice. Even Jake knew that  _ something _ had happened even though he didn’t know the details and Travis was just trying to hide his hangover and make it through practice.

Nolan lingered near Travis’s locker after they had showered and gotten dressed.

“Is Ivan okay?” Nolan asked. 

“He’s okay…” Travis said cautiously.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him, you have to understand,” Nolan said and he looked like he would start crying in a moment.

“I know, what happened?”

“He told me he loved me, that he was  _ in love  _ with me. And I just couldn’t. I love him, he’s my best friend, but, not like that,” Nolan said.

Travis sighed, he was only two years older than Nolan, but today he felt so much older. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Nolan said.

“I know,” Travis said and hugged Nolan.

“He’s going to be okay, right?” Nolan asked.

“Yeah, he will be,” Travis said. “I’ll make sure of it.”

 

He returned home and Ivan was up making himself some breakfast in the kitchen. “Hey,” Travis said.

“Hey,” Ivan said with an artificial smile on his face. 

“How’s your hangover?” Travis asked.

“I probably deserve it, whoever said that Russians can’t get hangovers lied,” Ivan said. “I made some toast, hope you don’t mind.”  
“Give me a piece,” Travis said and Ivan tore him off a strip. 

“Did you sleep on the couch last night?” Ivan asked.

“Yeah,” Travis said. 

“You could have dumped me on the couch, I was the one who was impeding,” Ivan said.

“Honestly? I didn’t want you to throw up on my couch,” Travis said, “At least in the bedroom, I hoped that you might make it to the bathroom.”  
“I really got fuck up last night, didn’t I?” Ivan asked with the same media-trained smile that Travis found himself hating.

“Don’t do that, Ivan,” Travis said. 

“Do what?” Ivan asked.   
“Don’t give me the media-approved PR bullshit answers like that. Talk to me, cry, scream, if you want, but don’t shut me out.”

“We’re not the type of friends who talk about this stuff,” Ivan said, although Travis saw his facade crumbling.

“You said we could be,” Travis reminded him. For a moment, Travis thought that Ivan was going to close him off right there. Then, Ivan leaned down a little and rested on Travis’s shoulder. He stood there like a statue at first until Travis held Ivan tightly and stroked his hair. Ivan just seemed to bury his face deep into Travis’s neck as if trying to crawl into Travis. His hands clenched tightly into Travis’s back like he was a life preserver. Travis felt his shoulder dampen and Ivan shake in his arms. Travis just gently stroked Ivan’s hair and pressed small kisses along his ear and the side of his neck. 

It was times like these when Ivan seemed his age. His personality naturally caused people to assume that he was older and since he’d moved away from home at an early age, completely across the Atlantic Ocean even, Ivan had matured much faster than the other hockey players their age. But here he was, trembling in Travis’s arms and reeling from an unrequited love and Travis felt for once that he was the older of the two. Ivan had probably never had his heart broken like this before and Travis had, his own heart was breaking now anyways.

Ivan mumbled something unintelligibly that Travis wasn’t sure if it was in Russian or in English. Travis gently stroked his back until Ivan calmed down, and pulled away.

“Oh, fuck, I messed up your shirt,” Ivan said with a brittle laugh. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his palms trying to erase any traces of crying.  

“Uh, it’s okay,” Travis said and he pulled off his shirt to throw in the dirty clothes pile. “What?” He asked when he saw Ivan staring at him.

“Is, uh, rejection sex still on the table?” Ivan asked. Travis knew that he should have pushed Ivan away, but he was selfish and they were both sober and Travis knew it was just sex to Ivan. But if sex could make him feel better, even just for a moment, Travis would do it. For this time, he could pretend that he was the most important person to Ivan, he was the one comforting him, having sex with him, going to bed with him and even if it was an illusion, he could allow himself to believe just for some time. Travis swallowed and reached behind Ivan’s neck to look at him. “Are you sure?” 

Ivan nodded, “Please.”

Ivan kissed Travis and he pushed him back to the bedroom. There was nothing sexy about it when Ivan and Travis just separated in order to strip out of their own clothes. “What do you want?” Travis asked. 

“Anything,” Ivan said.

“I’m gonna make you feel so good,” Travis promised. That was one of the best parts of their arrangement. It had carried on for so long that Travis had gotten to memorize Ivan’s body. He knew the ways to drive Ivan crazy and to pull him apart. He pinned him against the bed and kissed his way down Ivan’s body. Today, it wasn’t like other times, it was just sheer need. Travis knew that there’d be marks on his body the next day, but today was all about Ivan. He held Ivan’s hips down as he sucked him off. It wasn’t gentle or slow like it had been before, instead Travis just cared about getting Ivan off. Ivan tried to buck, but thankfully Travis anticipated it enough so that he wouldn’t choke. 

Ivan turned to lay on his stomach and Travis hastily, but carefully prepared him. He gently buried into Ivan and Ivan just pressed his face further into the pillows. Travis pressed himself flush against Ivan’s muscular back and heard a couple of watery breaths from beneath him. Ivan’s face was still obscured and for the first time since he thought of this idea, he wondered if it was wrong. As if sensing the question on Travis’s lips when he stilled, Ivan just reached a hand back to press Travis closer, to urge him to continue on. Travis picked up the pace, his own breath hitching with Ivan’s as he snapped their hips together. 

Ivan finished first and he was gasping for breath by the time Travis followed. And then, like a switch was flipped Ivan turned away from Travis and curled up on the other side of the bed. Travis lifted the comforter up so that it modestly covered him and then he gently gave him space and busied himself with cleaning up a little until Ivan seemed ready for company. 

“You know, I really, really love him,” Ivan said with a sniffle.

“I know,” Travis said.

“I just thought that we’d be able to pick up where we left off,” Ivan said, “We just stopped because of distance but it wasn’t like we stopped talking.”  
Travis just lay there and gently traced Ivan’s spine waiting for him to continue. 

“He doesn’t not love you,” Travis said.

“But not the way that I love him,” Ivan corrected. 

Travis just kissed Ivan’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

 

The next day, there was a collective sigh of relief when Ivan followed Travis into the locker room. Nolan had been carefully watching every time the door opened to see if Ivan had arrived. Nolan’s relief when he saw Ivan trailing just behind Travis turned into sadness when Ivan just gave everyone a curt nod in greeting.

“Feeling better?” G asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Ivan replied. 

“Some hell of a virus,” G said. 

They got changed, although the tension in the room was palpable between Ivan, Travis, and Nolan. 

“Jesus Christ, were you mauled by a cat?” Sean asked, as he traced one of the scratches Ivan had left on Travis’s back. 

Travis just rolled his eyes as he pulled his gear on over the marks, “Very funny.”

When they filed out onto the ice, Travis made eye contact with Ghost. “What?” he asked.

Ghost just shook his head, “Nothing.”

 

The thing was, the friendship between Ivan and Travis began to resemble what it had looked like the previous season without Nolan. Ivan maintained a cool, professional distance with Nolan that Travis knew was killing the rookie. The worst part was in a matter of weeks his jealousy of Nolan had changed into pity for the boy. Nothing that had happened was Nolan’s fault and yet he’d lost one of his best friends in the process. It was hard to remember sometimes that Ivan was just a 20 year-old boy because he’d always seemed more mature for his age. Even though Nolan knew that deep down, Ivan couldn’t blame Nolan, the hurt was clouding his judgement.

The veterans were picking up the slack to make Nolan feel welcome, and even Travis found himself offering to grab dinner with him or go to see a movie. Without Ivan around it was easy to see just how he’d fallen for Nolan. He was funny, nice, and a little shy which wasn’t Travis’s type, but it was pretty much Ivan’s. And that was hard to admit because Nolan was pretty much the opposite of Travis.

“How’s Ivan doing?” Nolan asked. 

Travis shrugged, “Okay, I guess.”

“I really miss him,” Nolan said.

“He’s just hurt,” Travis said.

“So you’re letting him use you?” Nolan asked.

“It’s not like that,” Travis said, “I had promised, you know, if it didn’t work out between you two.”

“Is that fair to you, though?” Nolan asked.

Travis shrugged, “I guess I’m willing to have as much of him as he’ll let me.”

“Even if you are hurt by it?” Nolan asked.

Travis couldn’t look at him. “I hate that you rejected him, but most of all I hate the way that he still looks at you. And it’s not your fault, but he- he’s not going to look at me like that, so I’ll take what I can get.”

“Even if it’s killing you?” Nolan asked.

“It’s better than not having him,” Travis said and his words stung worse than he had intended. Travis had him, just not in the way that he wanted, but Nolan didn’t even have him at all.


End file.
